My LotR Parody
by Enedsiwiel
Summary: What happens when Gandalf is constantly high, Bilbo is a nazi, Aragorn is a superhero, and Pippin is so ditzy, its sad?? Read to find out!
1. Ch. 1

My LotR Parody  
  
Disclaimer: I own no one, and flames will be used to keep warm. ^.^  
  
AN: Don't kill me!!! I wrote this for my friends and based the characters on them, and if the characters are extremely weird, I will explain it somewhat here. Frodo is based on my friend who is always reading and uses her books as a weapon, Gandalf is based on a pot-head kid, if that helps some, and Bilbo is based on my Geo. Teacher, Mr. Schneider, who we all call a nazi… Tolkein will be rolling in his grave… Oh! And excuse my spelling… and if you have a problem it it, I don't give a shit… Sorry, momentary rant… ^.^ And this story is based on the movie, but if some of the lines are wrong (the few that are real lines, lol) it is because they weren't that important in my mind… which means, if you haven't figured it out, I am doing this by memory… after seeing it 9 times (10 soon I hope! ^.~) it's quite easy to remember the lines I like… I recite the mirror scene from memory when I really wanna piss off my non-ringer friends. (yes im obsessed, tell me something new? lol) newayz… on with the story!  
  
1 Ch. 1 One day in the Shire…  
  
Frodo sat reading a book when an out of tune, off key, and all around bad voice reached his ears. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, turtles in a half-shell, turtle power!" it sang.  
  
"Oh no, not Gandalf again," Frodo thought, "I might as well see him, if only to spare the rest of the Shire his horrid singing!"  
  
He jogged over to the road, put on a false smile and cried, "Gandalf!"  
  
"Frodo, my lad!" Gandalf said, wobbling a little in the seat of his cart, "Come sit with me!"  
  
"Great, he's stoned…. again… why, oh why did Bilbo have to show him pipeweed???" Frodo muttered as he jumped into the cart.  
  
Gandalf continued to sing for a few moments longer, than Frodo smacked him in the back of the head with his book and told him to shut up. Gandalf whimpered, rubbed his head, and they rode on to Bag End. On the way, Gandalf lit up his pipe and immediately hyped up. To Frodo's joy, he only hummed. Frodo then jumped off the cart (for he was afraid of Bilbo) and left.  
  
Gandalf merely shrugged and went up to the door of Bad End. He knocked on the door, giggled, and knocked again.  
  
"Nein! Go away! I want no well-wishers!" came a voice in reply to the consistent knocking.  
  
"Hehehe, what about high, I mean, old friends?" Gandalf said.  
  
"Gandalf? Oh, Gandalf!" Bilbo replied, flinging open the door and hugging him.  
  
Bilbo was dressed in what looked like a brown army uniform… except for the large swastikas on the chest and hat.  
  
"It's been a long time," Gandalf said, "and you haven't aged a day! When did you grow that little mustache?"  
  
"Oh! Just after I met some new friends… but that does not matter. Come in, come in! I will get you some tea." Bilbo replied.  
  
"Thank you! Just add a touch of brandy for, ah… sweetening!"  
  
"Ok, whatever you want, my friend."  
  
They went inside and Bilbo served Gandalf his tea and brandy, all the while Gandalf sat smoking his pipe. They sat in silence for a while, then Gandalf asked, "So, do you still plan to leave after your party?"  
  
"Yes, I do. I want to se nazi… I mean, mountains again, mountains Gandalf! I want to take a holiday, a long holiday, and I don't plan to return."  
  
"Very well, hehehe, just leave Frodo everything and you can go wherever you want!"  
  
"Great! I will go right after my party."  
  
"Alright then. Let's go get high!"  
  
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Well, What do you think? I will type in the other chapter and post it if I get…. 5 reviews, positive ones, lol. 


	2. Ch. 2

Disclaimer: Look in the 1st chapter  
  
AN: Well, I'm posting another chapter! Even w/o the 5 reviews, lol. Happy Sarah?!?!?!?! Ok, Sam is based on my friend Katie who obsesses over Frodo, so I made her Sam! No other characters to explain really… Oh! Mr. Schneider (Bilbo) always talks about Germany! WE can be talking about rice farmers in China and he can take that and lead it to Germany! He's psychotic, I tell you!  
  
1 Ch. 2  
  
1.1 At the Party…  
  
Sam sat drinking an ale and watching Frodo dance like a chicken. "He may suck at dancing, but damn, if he was mine…" he thought.  
  
Frodo came over to Sam after the song was over and had him stand up. Sam was sure that his moment had finally come and that Frodo would ask him to dance, but instead, Frodo said to him, "Ask Rosie for a dance, Sam!"  
  
Sam stuttered in reply, but Frodo shoved him into Rosie and she started dancing with him. "Phew, now that that… fag is gone I can enjoy myself!" Frodo said. He sat down, drank a beer, and enjoyed himself… by reading a book. A few minutes later, much to Frodo's disgust, Bilbo got up to give his speech.  
  
"BILBO HAIL! BILBO HAIL! BILBO HAIL!" was heard from a dark corner while the rest of the crowd cried, "Speech!"  
  
"Greetings friends! Today is my 111th birthday! I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve, except for you in the corner, of course… wow, I just totally confused myself! ::thinks:: Must not mention Germany, must not mention Germany… ::says aloud:: I… I wish all of you a very fond farewell… I am going now… goodbye!" he said and disappeared.  
  
Everyone was in shock, well, except for Gandalf, who seemed strangely pleased….  
  
1.2 In Bag End…  
  
Bilbo reappeared in his house when he took off his ring. He let out an evil laugh, put on a nazi pointy helmet thing (AN: I don't know its name! Sorry, lol, I should ask Schneider… he should know…), grabbed his bag and walking stick, and went to leave.  
  
"I suppose you thought that was very funny…" Gandalf said, walking in.  
  
Bilbo jumped and turned around, pointing a rifle at him. "Gandalf? Oh, its you!" he said, hurrying to put away the rifle. "Yes, actually, I found it very funny!"  
  
"Well, it was, but that's beside the point… There are not many magic rings in the world Bilbo, and none of them should be used lightly."  
  
"But it was just a bit of fun! Besides, I am going anyways, why not go after pissing people off… and maybe killing someone… nah, too harsh…"  
  
"True, true… but where is the ring?"  
  
"On the mantle over the fireplace… wait… it's here… in my pocket…"  
  
"Bilbo…? Give me the ring."  
  
"NO! It's mine… my precious…"  
  
"BILBO BAGGINS, YOU NAZI FREAK! Give me the ring and get the hell away! ::thinks:: he must be stoned… either that or he is very good at hiding speech impediments…"  
  
"All right… oh, Gandalf!" Bilbo whimpered, hugging Gandalf.  
  
"Thanks Bilbo. Now go see your little nazi friends!"  
  
Bilbo left and Gandalf sat next to the fire smoking a joint hidden in his pipe.  
  
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Well? Whatcha think? Please, please, please review! The number of reviews will decide how long the next chapter of my sucky story is! ^.^ 


	3. Ch. 3

Disclaimer: Look in 1st chap.  
  
AN: Thanx soooooo much for the reviews!!! I never expected to see more than, like, 3!! Thank you, thank you, thank you! lol, newayz, back to the story! Pippin is based on my friend Ashley who is a big ditz and always giggles and Merry is based on a kid named Josh who always pokes people in the side and complains if they are not ticklish and he always takes my book… but that will come up in a later chapter. The wraith/chicken is based on a chicken because… well… I needed something to be the wraith and Ashley always squawks like a chicken, so it seemed like a good idea at the time! I didn't really plan for so many people to like this story on ff.net, and the story is littered with inside jokes. I will get rid of as many as I can, but some have to stay, lol.  
  
  
  
Ch. 3  
  
1 After the Party…  
  
Gandalf still sat by the fire smoking his "pipe." Frodo came in, found the ring on the floor, and picked it up. "Gandalf?" he inquired.  
  
"Oh! Bilbo's ring," Gandalf said, "I must go. There are questions that need answering. Keep the ring secret and safe."  
  
Once Gandalf had shut the door and had left the path, Frodo danced for joy. "Yesss! Two psychos gone in one day! What luck!"  
  
2 Many years later…  
  
Frodo and Sam were on their way back from the pub and Sam was totally wasted.  
  
"Master Frodo?" he asked.  
  
"::sigh:: What now, Sam?" Frodo replied.  
  
"Take me home with you and… ::passes out::"  
  
Frodo let him fall in the middle of the road and went to his house. He came in and his window was open. "Spooky…" he thought. Suddenly, a hand grabbed his shoulder and spun him around.  
  
"Boo! HeheHE!" cried Gandalf, obviously high. "Is it secret and safe?"  
  
"Yes… it is. are you ever sober?!?!" replied Frodo.  
  
"Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…"  
  
"Forget I asked… Why are you worried about the ring?"  
  
"Oh yeah! The ring! Gimme!"  
  
Gandalf took the ring, threw it into the fire, and sat down.  
  
"What the hell are you doing? ::Thinks:: Great, thanks to a pot head I've lost a perfectly good ring!" Frodo exclaimed.  
  
Gandalf took the ring out of the fire and said, "Hold out your hand ::giggly:: it's quite cool… temperature and coolness!"  
  
"Says the stoner…" Frodo said, holding out his hand anyways. Gandalf then dropped the ring on his hand. "Wow, it is cool!"  
  
"See? Told ya so! I DO know everything! ::eye twitches::"  
  
"Riiiiiight…"  
  
"Anyways, do you see any writing on it? I can't see straight, so you have to tell me."  
  
"No… wait… there is some form of elvish… I can't read it…"  
  
"Neither can I, but a "friend" told me what it says! It says 'One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them, one ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.' This is that ring. It isn't safe here, either. You must go to Bree and your travel name shall be… Mr. Underhill!"  
  
In that instant a squeak was heard under the window, so Gandalf threw a teacup at the source of the noise, only to hear another squeak. So Gandalf threw another teacup at the source, and another squeak was heard. This went on until Gandalf had thrown the whole tea set out the window. Frodo just sat back and watched, amused. Finally Gandalf reached out the window and behold! It was Sam!  
  
"Damn you Sam! What did you hear?!?!" Gandalf asked.  
  
"N… Nothing Gandalf, sir. I just heard giggles (rather suspicious giggles, no mistake) and had to9 make sure Master Frodo wasn't cheating on me… oops… did I say that outloud? OW!" Sam explained, saying "OW" when Frodo hit him with 'The Book,' his choice weapon.  
  
"Well, Sam, that's sweet! So you can be sure Frodo isn't cheating on you, you can go with him!" Gandalf said.  
  
"But… We aren't going out!" Frodo complained.  
  
"No buts! Butts… heheheh… Now, Go! I will meet you at Bree in the Inn of the Prancing Pony. See ya later!" Gandalf said as he pushed the two hobbits out the door.  
  
Sam and Frodo looked at each other and Sam said, "Wow, Mr. Frodo, that gives us a lot of time alone. Maybe…"  
  
"Sam?" Frodo said.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"::Smacks Sam with 'The Book':: Shut the hell up!"  
  
"::whimpers:: owwies… ok…"  
  
They walked on in silence for a while, and they arrived at a field. Frodo picked up the pace, but Sam didn't notice and lost sight of Frodo. "Master Frodo? Master Frodo?!?!" he called.  
  
"What, you loser? I'm right here! Maybe if you would come out of your little gay dream world, you would notice that I am walking faster! Besides, what's the worst that could happen?" Frodo chastised. (AN: Big words! I feel special Ashley! [Sorry about the little note!])  
  
"Don't jinx us, Master Frodo!"  
  
In that instant Sam and Frodo were knocked over by Pippin and Merry who appeared to come out of nowhere! "Frodo? Frodo Baggins? Look, Merry, it's Frodo Baggins! ::giggle::" Pippin said.  
  
"You like that name, huh, Pip? ::pokes Sam in the side:: You're ticklish!" Merry said.  
  
"Get off me! And I'm taken, so don't flirt with me or my lover, Master Frodo!" Sam shouted at Merry.  
  
"Oi! No reason to shout!" Merry replied.  
  
"::whacks Sam with 'The Book':: Don't lie, you loser… I'M single…" Frodo said.  
  
"Get off my fields, you fucking mushroom stealing stoners!" shouted a voice.  
  
"You've been into Farmer Faggot's crops again!" accused Sam.  
  
"::giggle:: Yeah, and you're holding the crops!" Pippin said, and they all ran off, leaving Sam behind. He looked at the carrots, lettuce, and mushrooms in his hands, dropped them, thought better of it, ran back and took the 'best shaped' (hint hint) carrot, and ran away.  
  
"Wait for me, Master Frodo!" he cried.  
  
The rest of the hobbits had all stopped in front of a cliff, but Sam, being the loser he was, ran into them, knocking them off the edge. They all went tumbling down, and when they reached the bottom, they all looked accusingly at Sam. "Stupid shit" and "dumb ass" were randomly heard.  
  
Frodo stood and looked down the road. "We should get off the road… hide!" he shouted.  
  
They all ran and hid under a tree. They heard the clip clop of a horses hoofs and the thumps of feet hitting the ground. A faint sniffing was heard, then a quiet clucking. It came closer and closer and in a moment of bravery, Sam threw his carrot into a bush to get the… thing… to go away. A loud "Bakaw!" was heard and it ran away.  
  
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Well, whatcha think? longer than normal, huh? My hands hurt lol. I would type more, but I'm sooo tired it's not even funny. It's 12:00am and I have had a long day. Hmm… if I get… 14 reviews, I will post a short chap, and if I get… 15 reviews it will be a long chap, and if I get more than 15… I will post 2 chaps! lol, I am bad about reviews, I need to know if the story is good! I think it's dumb, so it's good to hear that people like it. Well, enough rambling on for now… ^.^ 


	4. Ch. 4

Disclaimer: Look in 1st chap, this will no longer be here after this chapter ^.^  
  
AN: Wow! Thanx for the reviews! No more requirements for new chaps, lol, but reviews are greatly appreciated! Now for the explanations… (Oh! Do these help at all? If not, I won't put them up here anymore. Just tell me what you think in a review, and no, this isn't a way to get more reviews Sarah!). Ashley AKA Pippin has a little song she sings where she just says Chicken Pot Pie over and over and says it in a squeaky voice and she is obsessed with chickens, that's why that is in there. Yet again I needed something for the wraith, so I used another inside joke about bananas… lol. I shall try my hardest to get up three more chapters, President! I am proud to serve my country! ^. ~  
  
Ch. 4  
  
1 Later that night…  
  
All the hobbits were darting through the trees. Merry and Pippin were singing the James Bond theme song and pretending their hands were guns. Merry 'shot' Pippin and Pippin cried, "I'm hit! I'm down! MAN DOWN!"  
  
"::smacks Pip:: Shut up! We don't want that chicken thing after us again!" Merry said.  
  
"I like chicken! Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot piiiieeeee!"  
  
"::smacks Pip again:: Shut up!"  
  
"Owwies…"  
  
"::smacks both of them with 'The Book':: Shut the hell up, both of you! Now, we have to get to Bree. What's the best way?" Frodo said.  
  
"Buckleberry Ferry! Follow me!" Merry replied.  
  
They all ran towards the ferry, which, by some magic reason, was right beside the path they were on. Suddenly a big black figure on a black horse came after them, seperating Frodo from the group. "Banana…. QUACK!" it cried in a hideous voice.  
  
Merry, Pippin, and Sam all ran ahead and jumped on the ferry. Sam, being the simple fool he is, pulled off the ropes before Frodo got there. "Run Frodo!" Merry cried. "Jump" Pippin said.  
  
In a 'Matrix' like manner, Frodo ran at the ferry in slow motion, jumped to the ferry (which was pretty far away from shore at the time) and landed on the ferry, all before a horse could catch him. "Most unnatural" thought Merry.  
  
2 At Bree…  
  
All the hobbits were huddled under their cloaks. They were making their way through the rain to the gate of Bree. "Wow, Frodo looks hot wet…" Sam thought, the pervy little bugger. They came up to the gate and were let in. They went into the Inn and Frodo rang the little bell on the front desk.  
  
"Hello, little masters! If you should be liking to stay, we have some nice hobbit sized rooms available, Mr.…?" The owner said.  
  
"Underhill, Mr. Underhill" Frodo replied.  
  
"Alright, Mr. Underhill. Come out into the main room! You must be hungry!"  
  
"Ok, but can you tell Gandalf that we have arrived?"  
  
"Gandalf? Gandalf… oh yes! Gandalf! Haven't seen him in ages!"  
  
"Hmm… alright… which way to the main room?"  
  
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Well, whatcha think? Sorry it's short! I know I said I would make it a long one if I got a lot of reviews… but I'm on a writers block! I'm sooooo sorry! Don't kill me! 


	5. Ch. 5

AN: Sorry it took me so long! I've been overloaded with schoolwork. This chap will be nice and long for ya since the last one was short. Ok, Aragorn AKA Super Steel is based on a friend named Keith who is obsessed with comic books and wore a shirt to school one day that had the Superman s on it, the only difference was that it had rivets on it… I made the mistake of calling him Superman, causing him to go into "comic book recitation" mode where ya get a looooong explanation on whatever you said wrong, in this case it was saying the s with rivets was Superman's… it is really a character named Steel's symbol (the rivets are what makes it different) and he made his own Super Suit thing and used the s with rivets on it. We called him Superman anyways… but I'm getting off topic. He ended up getting pissed because he couldn't remember the guy's real name, so we said he was wrong on account of the lack of evidence (to really piss him off) and it worked. The Pixy Stix thing is in here b/c Ashley AKA Pip wouldn't let me use any alcoholic drinks or any other drugs… other wise… never mind… I won't go there, lol. Sauron the Brown-noser is based on this kid Adam who stalked me for… oh… 5 years! He has stalked all of my friends for brief periods of time and he has attempted to hit on every girl in school, but he just creeps everyone out. I needed an ultimate evil that no one likes, and everyone hates Adam, so he fit the role! Enjoy the chap!  
  
Ch. 5  
  
In the main room….  
  
"That man has done nothing but stare at you, Master Frodo," Sam said.  
  
"No matter, Sam, I know I'm beautiful…" Frodo replied.  
  
"Sir? Sir!" Sam called to the owner.  
  
"Yes, young master?" he replied.  
  
"Who is that?" Sam asked while pointing at the man. The man was wearing a black cloak and sat watching the hobbits and smoking a pipe.  
  
"I don't rightly know, but in these parts, we call him Steel!"  
  
Merry came over to the table to sit with the other 3 hobbits, carrying a Giant Pixy Stix with him. "What's that?" Pippin asked, gaping at the Pixy Stix (2pts Ash &Sarah!).  
  
"This, my friend, is a Giant Pixy Stix!" Merry replied.  
  
"They come that big? I'm getting one!"  
  
"But you've had 3 already!" Sam called after Pippin.  
  
Pippin went and got his Giant Pixy Stix, ate it as fast as he could, and became very hyper. He stood talking to a group of men. "Frodo Baggins? I know him! ::giggle:: Frodo Baggins! Hehehehe" he said.  
  
"Pippin… nooooooo!" Frodo cried as he ran to him, slipped, fell, and put on the ring when it fell off his necklace. Everyone gaped (2pts!) at where Frodo was a moment ago. As it did to Bilbo, the nazi, Frodo became invisible when he put on the ring. He took it off and felt a hand pull him up and drag him to a room. "You draw too much attention to yourself, Mr. Underhill," Steel said, being the one who had taken Frodo.  
  
"Who are you?" Frodo asked.  
  
"I am… Steel!" he cried as he pulled open his cloak, revealing a black shirt with a Superman-like symbol on it, except for the fact that it was silver with rivets on it.  
  
"Oh my god! You're Superman! You're here to save me!" Frodo cried.  
  
"No, god damnit! What's wrong with you people?!?! It's Steel, damnit, STEEL! Is it that hard to understand??" Steel cried hysterically.  
  
"But… it's the Superman S." Frodo said, timidly.  
  
"No! See the rivets? See them?! That makes me Steel!"  
  
"I still think…"  
  
"Back, longshanks, or I'll have your head!" Sam cried, bursting through the door with Merry and Pippin behind him.  
  
"You are brave, hobbit, but that will not save you from… them!" Steel said.  
  
"Are you…" Pippin said.  
  
"Don't say it Pip! Don't call him Superman!" Frodo muttered for only Pippin to hear.  
  
"What Frodo? Call him Superman? Ok… Hi Superman!"  
  
"NOOOOOO! Fuck all of you bastards! It's Steel, damnit, STEEL!" Steel cried, unsheathing (Katie!) his sword and swinging it around, mainly in Pippins direction.  
  
"Eep!" Pippin cried as he ran under a bed.  
  
"Oh dear… here we go again," Butterburr, the owner of the inn, said as he came in to see what all the shouting was about, "Let me help you…" A quick hissing sound was heard as Butterburr shot a tranquilizer dart at Steel. Steel rell over, unconscious, and pippin cheered. "Stay here until he wakes up, and do not, I repeat, do not say the S word," Butterburr warned, leaving the hobbits alone in the room.  
  
"Ok!" the hobbits said in unison, and Frodo promptly shot the others an evil glare. The hobbits all sat in a circle and waited for Steel to wake up, talking quietly. Steel woke up and a screaming was heard. The hobbits all cringed. "What was that?" Merry asked.  
  
"Ringwraiths, the Nazgul. They were once great kings, but they fell under the power of Sauron the Brown-Noser and are now neither alive nor dead." Steel replied groggily, rubbing his temple. "They are also all females of whatever species they are, if you must know. Making them the undead and thus his servants, which he accomplished by giving them corrupted rings of power since he knew they were power hungry, was the only way to make them come near him. It was also the only way to get any female of any species to even put up with his bull shit. Even though they are his servants, he still can't get them to sleep with him, let alone even touch him!"  
  
"Heh, he must either be really ugly, really fat, or really stupid!" Pippin said.  
  
"Worse…" Steel replied, "he's all three!"  
  
"Eww! Gross!" the hobbits said.  
  
"Rest now, we shall leave at dawn." Steel said.  
  
1 At Dawn…  
  
"Butterburr! Give us a pony so we can go already!" Steel complained.  
  
"Alright already! Here, Sam, this is Bill! Take good care of him!" Butterburr said.  
  
"Ooh! A pony! I've always wanted a pony!" Sam exclaimed with glee.  
  
"Oh no… why me, god, why me?!" Bill thought.  
  
"Now, maybe now Bill will keep Sam busy so he will leave me alone!" Frodo mumbled.  
  
"Now, off to Rivendell!" Steel said.  
  
After they were outside Bree Steel said, "You can call me my real name now. It's Aragorn!"  
  
"Ok!" the hobbits said, once again in unison, and, yet again, Frodo gave the rest of the hobbits an evil glare.  
  
"We're off to Weathertop!" Aragorn said, "Just around the river bend, beyond the shore, somewhere past the sea, don't know what for!" he sang.  
  
"Umm… Mr. Aragorn, sir… there is no river…" Merry said.  
  
"Oops! Wrong movie!"  
  
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Well, whatcha think? I will have another chapter up in 2 days in the longest! 


	6. Ch. 6

AN: I am sooooo sorry! Exam week came around, school ended, I started my job… I haven't had any time to type out a new chap! I realized how short the chaps really are too, lol. So now I will really have a long chap, lol. Ok, the Witch King is based on my friend Sue… she just wanted to be an evil person who got to stab the hero, so I made her the Witch King! She also got green contacts so now she has emerald green eyes… Sarah AKA Frodo said they were demon eyes at first… so yeah, lol. The other wraiths are just random people I know who were thrown in to fill spots. Arwen is based on this girl at school who seems to like anything with a penis and always has to be the center of attention. She is constantly "ill" and is always flirting with every male she sees. Enjoy!  
  
Ch. 6  
  
1 Weathertop…  
  
"There are 9 wraiths following us, so here are 4 swords for you guys to use, just in case. I'm off to look around!" Aragorn said, walking away.  
  
"But…" Frodo said.  
  
"Oh, get over it, what's the worst that could happen anyways?"  
  
::cue scary music… bum bum buuuuuuuum:: The hobbits all looked at each other, all wearing confused yet frightened looks. Frodo fell asleep a few minutes later. He woke up to voices echoing off the walls and looked at the source of the voices. Sam, Merry, and Pippin were cooking over a small fire.  
  
"What the… you stupid shits! Put it out! PUT IT OUT!!!" Frodo screamed at them.  
  
"Like that won't draw attention to us…" Merry muttered. Frodo decided they were moving too slow so he started to stomp out the fire.  
  
"Oh, that's nice… ashes in my Pixy Stix!" Pippin complained.  
  
"Mwuahahahahahahaha!" was heard from the ground. They all looked down and saw the wraiths coming towards them. They all grouped together and each picked up one of the swords Aragorn left them. The wraith came up the hill and walked towards them. Frodo got an evil look on his face and shoved Sam at the nearest wraith. It recoiled, muttered Fag, and threw poor Sam into one of the remaining walls. Frodo watched with a sadistic smile that turned to a frown when he realized the wraiths were after him. "Shit," he muttered.  
  
The wraiths all made a triangle shaped formation with the Witch King at the point. Pippin and Merry stood in front of Frodo to defend him and Frodo thought he was safe and relaxed. As the wraiths got closer, however, Merry and Pippin ran away.  
  
"Fuckers!" Frodo called after them. An evil chuckling was heard from the Witch king as he came closer. "Screw it!" Frodo thought as he dropped his sword, turned to run, tripped, said shit, and pathetically tried to crawl away. The wraiths were obviously faster than he was, so he got scared and put on the ring…  
  
2 In the freaky other dimension thing Frodo goes to when he puts on the ring…  
  
"Shit! Get away! Get the FUCK away! DEMON EYES! Oh, wait… they're green…" Frodo said.  
  
"I've been wanting to try out this baby for a long time…" the Witch king said, unsheathing his sword. He then proceeded to stab Frodo in the shoulder. "Watch him say shit…" he whispered to the other wraiths, who sniggered in reply.  
  
"Mother Fucker!" Frodo cried, "You'll pay for that!" He then pulled out The Book and whacked the Witch King.  
  
"Super-Steel to the rescue!" Aragorn cried, jumping in with his sword. Frodo took off the ring when he heard Aragorn.  
  
3 Back at the normal Weathertop…  
  
"Ahh! Shit! It hurts! Sam! Where the hell are you when I need you?!?!" Frodo screamed, extremely pissed.  
  
"Master Frodo! I'm coming! ::hugs Frodo:: Oh, my poor baby! Let me kiss it and make it better!" Sam said, in tears.  
  
"Get the hell off! Why on earth did I call you??"  
  
"::sniffle::"  
  
"Aragorn, you schizophrenic bastard! Help me!"  
  
4 Meanwhile…  
  
Aragorn was fighting with all of the wraiths, forcing them to leave. He started waving the flaming stick he brought with him at the wraiths and said, "Beware the shtik. I will beat you with my shtik!"  
  
The Witch King stared at him and said, "You others stay here and try to get the halfling. I'm going to…um… check on the horses!" and ran away.  
  
Aragorn lit one wraith's robes on fire and it ran away screaming. 2 others left with it. He lit 3 other's robes on fire as well, and they left along with 2 more. Only one wraith was left, and it was looking quite depressed. Aragorn turned and threw the "shtik" at its head. It left screaming like the rest of them, and Aragorn cheered.  
  
"Aragorn, you schizophrenic bastard! Help me!" Frodo called.  
  
"Coming!" Aragorn replied, walking over to where Frodo lay. He looked at Frodo's wound. "This is beyond my skill in healing. You need elvish medicine. We need to get you to Rivendell, stat! Heh, I've always wanted to say that… but in the mean time, Sam, do you know the Athelas plant? Kingsfoil?"  
  
"Kingsfoil? But that's just a weed…" Sam replied.  
  
"::smacks Sam:: Just get it, dumb ass!"  
  
"Owwies… ok…"  
  
Merry and Pippin chose that moment to return. "You little… OW!" Frodo cried (Pippin had poked his shoulder).  
  
"You have a boo boo!" Pippin stated.  
  
"Grrrrrrr…"  
  
5 In the middle of the forest…  
  
"I'm off to find the Athelas… I'm off to find the Athelas…" Aragorn sang.  
  
"What's this? A Ranger caught off his guard…? ::thinks to self:: Maybe this one will like my flirting! He looks like a moron…" a voice said.  
  
Aragorn turned around and saw an elf with frizzy brown hair (I know, I know, Elves are supposed to have ethereal beauty… but look at how Elrond came out in the movie! Just go along with it, lol). "Who the hell are you?" he asked.  
  
"I am Arwen! Let's go save your friend!" Arwen said.  
  
"Ok…."  
  
6 Back with the hobbits…  
  
"Aragorn! Where the hell are you?" Frodo yelled.  
  
"Shush, Master Frodo. It's ok…" Sam said.  
  
"Ah! When did you get back?!"  
  
"I really don't know…"  
  
"Is he gonna' die?" Pippin asked.  
  
"I dunno… Oh! Scary…" Merry said.  
  
Arwen had ridden up on a white horse, dismounted, hid a spiked club in a saddle bag, and walked up to Frodo.  
  
"Frodo! Come back to the darkness! Don't give into the light!" Arwen said.  
  
"Umm…" Aragorn started.  
  
"Shut up, Ranger!" Arwen shouted.  
  
"But…"  
  
"Same difference! I don't care if I was wrong!"  
  
"Oh! An oxymoron!" Pippin said.  
  
"Shut the fuck up!" Frodo said, smacking him with The Book.  
  
"Owwies… ::rubs bump on head::" Pippin said.  
  
"Enough! ::whines:: I want to be the center of attention! ::picks up Frodo:: I will take him to Rivendell!" Arwen said.  
  
"No! It's too dangerous!" Aragorn said in a fake concerned voice.  
  
"No! I am the faster rider! I must go!"  
  
"Ok, suit yourself!"  
  
"::thinks, which looks painful:: Yes! Time for a dramatic chase scene! More attention!"  
  
"Ok, go already! You must hurry!"  
  
"Ok! Namaarie Melamin!"  
  
"Ewwww! I am NOT your love!" Aragorn called out after the crazed elf.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*  
  
Well, whatcha think? I should get up another chapter in a day or two… Friday at the latest. It all depends on my work schedule. I think this chap isn't as good as the others… but oh well! 


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